Amy and Her Mommy and Daddy

Originally uploaded by Red Sox Bat Girl

2 years ago, George Jean Richard, passed away. My Father. My Friend. My Protector. My Love.

I laid in bed with Isabelle this morning and she said, “2 years ago Papa died…right?” I smiled through my tears at her and said, “Yes, babe….2 years ago…” She thought for a second and said, “I was only 3 right?” I nodded. She then said, “I still can remember his voice Mama….I miss him…” And then…I lost it. I’m SO thankful that my daughter got to meet my father. He was a proud Papa and a man that would have given ANYTHING for his family. And in the end….he gave me more than anyone could possibly wish for. He gave me undying love…and it still lives inside of me.

I’m still bitter and angry but I wont’ share that part today….this day should be set aside for the love I shared with my father. I am a VERY lucky person to ever have experienced that kind of love.

I miss you Daddy. I think about you EVERY day of my life. Miss you.

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Happy Pool Baby

Originally uploaded by Red Sox Bat Girl

Isabelle was 2 when this picture was taken. It seems like yesterday that she was small enough to fit in this swimming float. She’s now this 5 (and a half!!) year old that has just enough sass to keep her interesting and not always in trouble. This Mother’s Day…I’m thankful for being able to BE a mother to such a wonderful little girl. Her face lights up when I walk in the room…THAT is the best Mother’s Day present of all!!!

On another note: My friends threw me a surprise birthday party Saturday. It was nice and quaint and low key but it was wonderful. Troy played a pretty big part of the surprise and Saturday night was probably one of our best nights together. I’m so very lucky to have such a close group of friends as well as a terrific boyfriend who truly does have the kindest heart of anyone I know. When I brought him to a close friend’s son’s birthday party this weekend, people commented on how personable he was…and how helpful…and how good with kids he was. I’m sooo very lucky to have found someone to share my life with who is so wonderful.

This is a tough week for me and my family. Today marks the day 2 years ago when I rushed to my father’s bedside because he wasn’t supposed to make it through the night. He made it through 3 more nights actually…and died on May 13th. But this time is really raw for me….and even though I’m happy with my life…I’m still very bitter and angry about losing my dad. I thought it would have already passed by now…but it hasn’t…..I can only hope that in years ahead it will fade….but I’m sure I”ll talk about that more later.

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone out there!!!

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The years of Isabelle and Ella

Originally uploaded by Red Sox Bat Girl

These girls are going to be even MORE trouble when they grow up to be teenagers….and I’m cringing just thinking about it. But look at their faces…always full of smiles and their own unique personalities with just enough alike to be dangerous. I’m so lucky to have 2 BFF’s in Chicago and for Isabelle to have a twin there as well.

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My creation

Originally uploaded by Red Sox Bat Girl

This is the third time I’ve been to Chicago with Isabelle. I’ve been there quite a few times by myself as well but my trips with Isabelle are always exciting and sometimes stressful. The good thing…Isabelle is an excellent traveler…she’s great in airports, on airplanes, and going from gate to gate/terminal to terminal.

In Chicago I got to try all these different kinds of foods I’ve never had….I had an Indian mango which is completely out of this world….I went to the zoo….I went to Korean BBQ and then out to T’s with the best friends a girl could ask for.

I’ve learned a lot about friendship, love, and personal responsibility over these past 4 years. A lot of those lessons I had to learn the hard way. And through all of those changes, mistakes, stress, and complete depression….I had these two girls, Cinnamon and Roni, in my life supporting me…accepting me…and being there for me. This past trip out I got to really talk with them…and its given me the gumption to start being active toward the well-being of my child in all arenas of her life. My daughter comes FIRST in my life….behind any relationship or even friendship I have. It says a lot about someone’s character when they believe their child and PROTECT them instead of trying to make someone else in their life happy. She’s THE best thing that has ever happened to me….and she’ll continue to be the most important thing.

Thanks girls (and Andrew and Tony) for a great long weekend and for reminding me of what real friendship and true character is all about.

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I recently read Suzy Welch’s 10-10-10 book. What is 10-10-10? If I was being simple…I would say that it was a decision making process. One in which you think with most of your decisions, “How is this going to affect me in 10 minutes….in 10 months….in 10 years….?” I think its more than a decision process….I think its a way of life. As a single mom…I make quick decisions to save time….sometimes these decisions are based on raw emotion or on just plain laziness. I think if I stopped…used Suzy Welch’s process….I would not make those same decisions.

For instance: Buying a vacation when you really should be paying bills.

In 10 minutes….it will make me happy and excited and prompt me to start thinking about packing.

In 10 months….it may very well bite me in the butt when I have an outstanding bill or my credit rating is crappy or my payments are more.

In 10 years….I will look back and be glad that I spent a vacation with my daughter. I’ve always wanted to give her the travel life that my parents gave me….

I’m not quite sure if that’s exactly what Suzy had in mind…but its my adaptation of it. The book was a good read…it was quick for me and easy to understand. I will admit that the process isn’t as simple as it sounds…and someone like me who can be a little laid back will need to really focus on it when I start to use it….but I think I may just try that. I could have used it earlier in the week when I was trying to decide how to react to an emotional blow out with my ex. The 10-10-10 process may have changed how I reacted.

You can even get this book on Kindle. I’m glad I read this book…not only because of the wisdom inside of it but also because I rarely stop and think about my decision making process and this really makes you do that. Rash decisions can sometimes backfire…this makes you think…even for a quick moment…how it WILL effect your next 10 minutes, your next 10 months…your next 10 years. If you are in need of some direction and some focus…this is the book that you want to read. Let me know how you use it!!

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I woke up this morning…albeit not alone…Troy was here for the weekend but I realized he’d be leaving soon enough to get home to get to his parents. (And to watch some stupid Yankees game) After he left, I stared at Isabelle’s Easter basket. It’s the first year I haven’t had her on Easter. It was a lot different….usually we head to breakfast…go to Grammy’s for the Easter Egg Hunt then come back and hang together. This year….well this year…I woke up…said goodbye to the man I’m in love with and sat down in my empty house.

Easter was always a fun holiday for my family….easter egg hunts for my brother and I with my Dad always pointing ones out to me secretly….even days after. A family meal….and lots of love. Holidays are hard for me without my dad…but this one without my baby and pretty much being alone….I’m feeling it. It reminds me how Isabelle is my family…and I’m so glad I have her most days….I can survive this one without her. I can.

So, I’m going to watch some tv that I had DVR’d weeks ago…..I’m going to then shower and head to the gym so Heather can give me a sports massage and hopefully fix this numbness in my back and then I’m back here until I head to Portland to pick up Izzy. I’ll be ok. I just miss the old days I guess.

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Nick Adenhart was killed in a hit-and-run early this morning. My heart goes out to his family, his teammates and his fans. A young guy coming up in the league…coming off of a 6 inning shut out….and then has his life taken because some asshole decided to get behind the wheel drunk after already losing his license for the same sort of thing prior to this accident.

No matter what team you cheer for…no matter what side of the country you’re on….remember Adenhart in your blessings, prayers, or thoughts tonight. RIP Nick.

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I lost it today. Not in the normal sense where I get kinda crazy and bitchy and stormy. I lost it pretty evenly….sobbing uncontrollably over a Grey’s Anatomy episode. There was this scene where this old woman who kept living even though “her people” were told time and time again that she was dying. When she actually did die…and “her people” stayed around and held her hand and her head….I lost it.

A few days ago…I cleaned out the trunk of my car….(don’t worry…I’ll link this together soon). For most people…this is a common event…people just DO this. But I don’t. I didn’t in my 99 Honda…which still contained left overs from my divorce and then was transferred to my 04 Honda when a 94 year old man totaled my 99 Honda. I just transferred….I didn’t clean or weed out. I simply put what was once at home in my 99 Honda into my 04 Honda. It was simple…I just never used my trunk…sometimes I’d throw something new in there…but for the most part…it didn’t get opened and I lived an oblivious trunk life. Well…I cleaned it out a few days ago. Inside were bits and pieces of my life that I choose to push back. My divorce, my breakup with Dennis, my shitty relationship with Gil…and my Dad. His Death Certificate….his laminated funeral home card thingie….pictures……memories….memories that until this Grey’s Anatomy just hung over my head and clung to my heart…like this deep heavy thing that weighed my chest down. So when I saw that woman die….with “her people” around her….I lost it. I wasn’t there when my dad breathed his last breath….I wasn’t there because I was going to pick up my daughter because my ex wasn’t available to keep her…..I’m SO angry…I’m so angry at myself for not going to see him in the nursing home….for avoiding it because it made me throw up when I left…..I’m so disappointed in myself for choices I made after he died….for giving up on MY life because it wasn’t the same without him in it.

So I sobbed….and I sobbed out loud because no one was home to hear it. And I have stuff to do…stuff that I’m putting off because I’m writing this post…because I needed to….to write it down….to try and write away with silly words that dark heavy feeling I have in my chest. In May it will be 2 years…..2 years of not having my dad with me….and I have made it a pretty shitty 2 years….something my dad wouldn’t have been proud of….but he would have stuck with me…because he did that. He always did that. In a silent hiding behind my mom way….he always loved me…no matter how much I fucked up. And THAT is what I miss. I’ll never replace that. Not with a boyfriend…not with a bestfriend….not even with a sister who loves me even when I call and tell her all the things I do wrong….I’ll never have that sort of love again. And it makes me a bit empty inside. Death is shitty. And I’m still in mourning…in this crazy way….I’m in mourning.

But I plod on. I plod on and look forward to the days ahead because I have my daughter….and she remembers Papa still…..i bought her a ring pop at Walmart a week ago…and as we were walking out and she was licking it she said, “This is just like at the football games with Papa…” She remembers…..she’s got a bit of him in her heart…..and I love her even more for that.

So that’s the end of this dreadful post. I know it’s pretty heavy and down….but I had to get it out there….I had to.

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Ok…excuse the excitement in the title. It was nice to see the Sox win the opening…ESPECIALLY against the Tampa Bay Rays. *Even if Shields is on my fantasy team* Seeing Pedroia and Youk play so well as well as Tek throwing up that HR as well Beckett scared me there in parts…but he pulled it together and thankfully Masterson pulled through as well. He’s a young kid but I’m glad he’s stuck around!!!

I taught Isabelle a bit more about the game today while we were watching…I explained the things on the tv in the top part of the screen…what signified strikes and balls…stuff like that. She said, “Mom…I like baseball…but I’d rather watch it where I can eat popcorn!” So I popped her some popcorn and she snuggled next to me on the couch. I really really really enjoy these times with her.

Work kicked my butt today…or maybe it was my interrupted sleep where I was up at 2 am…and couldn’t fall back asleep til 3:30 or so. Ugh….but just know….I’m going to head to bed soon…and smile as I drift off to Happy Red Sox sleep!!

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Opening day is going to be my day for returning to this blog. I know I’ve been away for awhile but now that I feel a little more settled here at home and at work…I will now have time to blog about my mundane everyday things as well as the Red Sox So for those of you who still check back here from time to time…I hope you continue to come back. I even have a little Post-It note on my computer monitor that says, “have you posted today?” And even though Opening Day has been rained out at Fenway…it’s still baseball season. My whole atmosphere lightens with those words.

Beckett is the home opener pitcher tomorrow. And I have Shields on my fantasy team…so it might just be a secretly wishing for Shields to do well and then his closer to blow it I think sometimes Fantasy teams take away from the passion of the game….but it’s a fun aspect of it…completely makes me more aware of other players and other teams.

There are a few things I won’t miss that will be different this year…namely Manny. Glad he’s gone. He can be Manny somewhere else…Joe Torre loves the challenge of a bad boy anyway…let HIM deal with manny-being-manny. I’m also kinda glad that Nick Green and Jed Lowrie are apart of our infield….:)

I am glad that Fenway put a hold on raising concession stands because HOLY COW its expensive to be there…not to mention how hard it is to get tickets. I am also glad that there are a few new faces in the bullpen And Justin Masterson and Jonathan Papelbon are still there. I’m ready for baseball….bring it on.

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